Regret. I hate this word but more than the word I hate the emotion attached to it and I feel regret. So I took a good look at my life and called myself out on the actions that led to the regrets in the first place. I made a list and on this list was one action I feel is very important. This action is easy to do, it’s taking spontaneity for granted. I know you were secretly hoping my greatest regret would be that one body I stashed in a trunk or the secret affair I had for years but nope, it was my blatant middle finger in the air to spontaneity. How many years have I been abusing this invaluable action? Lets just say it’s been decades.

Long gone are the days I could take off in a whim with no thought put into the items I would need. Or have an open-ended return flight. The simple act of walking out your door and going for a hike now takes planning and preparation. Do I have a damn juice box? I can almost hear my mom hollering at me as I would leave for school “Stephi, are you wearing your house key?” That’s right, my mom made me wear a necklace with our house key on it to keep me from losing it! Seriously it brings me back to days of my childhood. Okay I’ve got my juice box I even remembered my house key, let’s go! Then as I step out the door I am alarmed with an annoying beep beep! Fuck, I hate this sound. It is a total buzz kill and if it was a physical being it would appear like that one dude at the party that everyone avoids because he smells like corn nuts and spits when he talks and for some reason he will never wipe the white crud from the corners of his mouth. Yup, that’s how I see this thing that has taken my spontaneity away. As a stinky dude who spits when he talks and I can’t stand him. So I had to learn how to accept him, corn nut odor and all.

Mr. Corn-nut is now part of my life 24/7, 365 days a year, we are bound together until I die. I would even consider him an old friend. Although I don’t showcase him like a prize, I no longer let him hold me back from being bound by wild things. This stinky dude that spits when he talks taught me a big lesson, one that has made an impact on changing my life. He help me realize spontaneity is not a given, it’s a luxury. Spontaneity is something we must value and appreciate. Thank whatever higher being you send your wishes up too every day for letting you have the ability to be spontaneous. Because in a flash it can be taken away from you and you’ll regret all the time you abused it. Stop telling spontaneity to fuck off and grasp it tightly, give it all the warm fuzzies you got and when you set off for an adventure thank your lucky stars you don’t have to also pack for that awkward dude who smells like corn nuts.

Okay, you may be asking yourself “what the hell is she talking about?” That’s okay, it’s actually great because it means you still have it! You are the lucky ones with the ability to take off on that week-long camp trip or fly to New York City for a weekend just because you wanted to get the hell out of dodge to recharge and reconnect with yourself. That is the reason I love traveling and adventure. It is the best way for me to be myself. I have become more acquainted with this girl named Steph when I am traveling solo than when I am stuck in my daily routine of work and this adult lifestyle that can be such a bore. That is the beauty of solo travel. You have to step outside your comfort zone and in doing so you become more comfortable within yourself.

I fell in love with solo travel years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family but I prefer to travel alone. I do well alone, I am not shy or fearful of new things I simply feel more natural when I am on my own. I have spent the last three years trying to make travel easier. I worried I wouldn’t be able to live the life I once did, you know as that girl with her middle finger in the air giving spontaneity the bird. My life had changed in a big way. The biggest changes have occurred during the last three years of my life. For starters, three years ago I became very ill and was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic.

As I laid in that hospital bed and was told of my diagnosis I tried to fake it and act brave. I tried to be very nonchalant about it, like I was being told a weather report. I heard the diagnosis come out of the physicians mouth and through my clenched jaw and stoic expression a single tear fell from my eye. Just one tear, that was all I would give this new, life altering, corn-nut smelling uninvited co-pilot in life. So I acted as tough as I could. And from the outside I think I did a pretty good job faking it until i made it. From the start I planned to make Mr. Corn-nut my bitch. The plan was to wrangle him in fast and hard and get him under control. Easier said than done. Truthfully I was devastated, I felt completely overrun by life. I thought I would never be normal again. Internally I was a very terrified person. I’m guilty of asking that pathetic question, “why me?”

I have worked in the medical field for numerous years and had a fair knowledge of the diagnosis but it was not enough. You learn as you go with Type 1 diabetes. For starters it is a very individual disease. What works for Jo Shmo will not necessarily work for you. However everyone will tell you what you’re doing wrong, they will tell you what will fix your low numbers, they will even shame you for failing and crashing and then smother you almost to death. These are where middle fingers are appropriate! I had to figure out how to live the life I wanted now that I have a permanent co-pilot in my life, that awkward smelly dude. But first I had a lot to learn.

So I did what I do best, investigate and research. I read every blog, news article, study and relevant topic available in search for ideas and solutions. After all I’m not the only person in the world who is a Type 1 diabetic. The key is to remember you are the only person in the world who is you! Take everything with a grain of salt, sprinkle a little flour on it and pour in some coconut milk before you start to knead it all together. It’s important your needs are individualized and not planned as another person did. Cater them to fit your lifestyle.

I worried about hiking and camping alone, especially when I would go far into the mountains with no cellphone service and hours away from civilization. I worried about traveling solo and having an emergency in a new unfamiliar city. So many what if’s came to mind. Who will save me? Will I be doomed for a future of travel with a chaperone? I was so worried I avoided this activity I love so much for almost a year. I became Mr. Corn-nuts bitch! That’s when I had to accept the answer to these questions. The answers I knew all along but didn’t admit. Steph, you have to save yourself. Take hold of the reigns of your life and guide it in the direction you want to live, not the direction you think you have to live. When I was able to do this, I finally eased back into adventures with quick one night trips with friends. The more I did this the more that desire grew and the fear faded away and I had to keep exploring. I started flying again and purposely made it goal to visit New York city every 3 months in a one year timeframe. I love that city and love the fact I accomplished this goal after being diagnosed. I even travelled solo by motorcycle to another favorite city of mine. I flew to Washington DC rented a Harley Davidson Road King and put the contents of my carry-on into the saddlebag and rode like a badass chick with a purpose to Gettysburg Bike Week. Finally I was back on my feet, appreciating life and getting out of my comfort zone on a regular basis. I may not be able to leave on a whim but I’ve got some excitement and adventure back in my life.

I learned some of the best and worst ways to get through security at the airport and discovered how annoying TSA agents can be when it comes to something they are not familiar with. I have missed flights because of Type 1 diabetes, important meetings at work, family events and outings with friends. It’s a royal pain in the ass and extremely inconvenient, but not impossible. It just takes planning and preparations. With flying it takes ample time, my biggest recommendation is arrive early! I have waited over an hour for a pat down by a female TSA agent. I have given up on waiting and risked ruining thousands of dollars worth of medical devices by sending them through the dreaded x-ray machine at security because I’d rather get on the flight then wait for another pat down. “Hey you sir, yes you over there. Please go ahead and pat me down, I don’t care if you’re male or female, just don’t make me wait any longer!” This is a sentence I never imagined saying before but I find I say it more often than you think.

Many people are unfamiliar with the devices Type 1’s use to manage our diabetes. I’ve spent hours in an airport because security had no idea what my continuous glucose monitor or CGM was and other times the security officer looks at it casually and lets me through without a second thought. Lesson is you don’t know what to expect so prepare. I can’t stress it enough, arrive early! Earlier than the recommended arrival times. Go online and look at your departing airports rules on medical devices. Be familiar with the rules and more important know your rights! I received a free upgrade to first class on a flight to Europe because the person I was speaking with on the phone made a crucial mistake and asked me to say what my medical disability was. I am not ashamed of Type 1 however I know my rights and knew I didn’t have to disclose this. I ended the call and emailed the airline. They responded right away with a plethora of apologies and a complimentary upgrade to first class. You might be thinking how could she use the system like that, she wouldn’t accept that upgrade, no harm was really done. Well true ut did I accept the upgrade? Of course I took it, and without any shame either! For once I will use this disability for my advantage and it was worth every extra inch of leg room, comfy fold down beds and 5 star guest services from the airline. I may have had to give up being spontaneous and got a life long disease in return but I also gained a greater appreciation for living life as spontaneous as possible and a few tricks up my sleeve on how to use Mr. Corn-nut to my advantage!

It’s not impossible to continue a life of travel after having a life changing event, it will require planning though. If I am going with friends I tell them the time I arrive will be approximated. I have explained my story so they understand if I have to bail at the last moment that it’s Mr. Corn-nuts fault and not me being a flaky friend. Share your circumstances with people you trust. Try to be courteous of others plans and time. It’s not their fault you lost your spontaneity, so as much as it sucks plan early. If that means you start packing your backpack 7 days in advance then so be it. I find it pays to take time and pack early. Make a check list of the items that are life or death. Cross them off and check twice before you head out. It’s one thing if you are traveling to New York and forgot your insulin. There are enough support groups out there and pharmacies that either a fellow Type 1 will spare a cartridge to get you through or your physician can write a new prescription and have it ready within the hour at your nearest Duane Reade. It’s a completely different situation if you are alone on a mountain with no cellphone service and have no glucose tabs or glucagon. Both scenarios have occurred in my life. Always tell someone where you are going and how long you plan to be. It may save your life!

I don’t want this to be all about Type 1 diabetes. But I felt you needed to have a better understanding of one of the lessons that I learned the hard way which showed me I had been flipping spontaneity off hard-core for the better part of my life. I thought I was done with life kicking me in the ass. It’s possible I was getting cocky and maybe I started to let my middle finger rise just a few millimeters in my daily routine with Type 1 becoming so second nature. I continued my life traveling and exploring as freely as I could with a smelly dude as a co-pilot and I had gained a greater appreciation for the adventures I would accomplish. “I’ve got this” I told myself. Life may suck at times but I think I figured out how to live a fulfilled life even without that great gift of being spontaneous. I planned a solo trip to Scotland. The idea itself was spontaneous but the preparation was far from it. Holy hell did my hard work and preparation pay off! That month in Scotland left a burning desire deep inside of me that will never burn out. So much to say and write about this adventure that it deserves its own post.

When I returned from Scotland I felt alive, strong and on top of the world! Nothing can stop me now. I lost sight of the gift I just received and became greedy for more. I wanted more and instantly! See, there I go again with a loose middle finger. I didn’t see it then but it’s so obvious now. (Just wait Steph, something will stop you.)

I began writing, photographing, vlogging and planning future trips immediately. I started the Bound By Wild Things plan which included how I would live a life of adventure abroad. How I could get a pet passport for my kick ass dog, Enzo and a crucial item for me, how I could keep health insurance if I quit working and began an expat life. I started researching visas for other countries, jobs, rent and health care. All I knew was I was done working ten plus hours a day at a job I dreaded every morning. I was really getting my shit together and I think life saw this and said “whoa, hold on a minute, you still need to deal with THIS!” Although I feel life was really saying something more along the lines of “LET’S GET HER, NOW!”

But I could be wrong.

Take you back three years ago to that hospital bed and the girl with the single tear. I would relive that day over and over like the movie Groundhog’s Day if I could trade it for January 29, 2018. You see, next to me in that hospital room was a man named Tiger.

Tiger was a unique man, talented, full of life and humor. So unique that I married him on July 29, 2006. We had a one of a kind relationship. I am not ashamed to say it was unconventional because that is the only way we would have had one to begin with. It wasn’t perfect either. In fact there were many times it was almost too hard. We nearly gave up on it but in the end we couldn’t. We lived our lives separately and together. He allowed me to seek adventures on my own and other times we made our own adventures. He managed to let me be independent while still providing for me. We were each other’s best and closest friends.

On January 29, 2018 I wasn’t home and I was unable to reach Tiger for days. I had a horrible feeling and I was already fearing the worst. The last communication we had was on Saturday Jan 27th. Tiger sent me a simple text that read “I miss you.” This text came in early that morning around 6 am. Tiger was not an early guy either which set my worries on fire. “Why is he texting this so early? What is wrong?” The worst part is I didn’t see this text until late that night. My stomach dropped. Anxiety and fear set in. I called and called probably 100 times at least with no answer. I sent as many text messages too. Then I had a glimmer of hope, one text said it had been read, by who? Did Tiger accidentally touch the screen making it show it was read? I will never know. That notice of “read” gave me a short-lived false sense of hope. So short that I didn’t drive straight home because I think I already knew what I would find. I admit, I was too afraid to go home alone.

I went to my parents and told them “I think Tiger is dead.” I don’t think they took me serious and I don’t blame them, that is a pretty insane comment to make. But inside I knew it, I felt him go and I learned very soon it was to be true. With my dad by my side I was able to enter my home. The place I would never again be able to call home. Tiger was found inside and had already passed long before. My heart fell to the darkest depths of the earth. Where no warmth or light ever reaches. It didn’t break, it was shattered, sending bits and pieces into the wind, lost forever. Numbness and shock fell over me causing an uncontrollable shiver to take hold. I felt I was trapped in a dark tunnel that zeroed in on the floor where Tiger had died. That tunnel has become ingrained within me. It is a dark, cold place that I can easily step or slip into. When I do, everything returns as strong as it was that horrible night. Every scent is just as strong, the visuals just as vibrant. It’s an awful place to have within oneself but I imagine I am not the only person with a dark place like this inside of them. My life had truly been changed irrevocably this time. Without a doubt this has been the most difficult loss I have ever experienced. Wow! Life just kicked my ass for good I thought had no bravery within me to muster up a stoic expression, I was stripped and exposed painfully in absolute rawness. More than one tear fell that night.

It’s true, life gave me one hell of a beating and kicked my ass hardcore. It just chewed me up and spit me out. Nothing else seemed to matter anymore. Nothing except my dog. I had to save our dog. Enzo was a daddy’s boy, smart as can be. No doubt he felt Tiger leave us too. I had to find a way to show Enzo simple happiness while I was in a living hell. That is what I did, I took care of Enzo, it was the only thing I could do. Those damn dogs I tell you, they are good! Enzo has healed my heart more than anyone and he doesn’t have to say a word. I must succeed now, for Enzo’s sake.

How could I begin to get our lives back to where it was before Tiger died? I ask myself this everyday. I still don’t have the answers, only just small actions to show. I am not even close to getting back to that place when my life was less beaten and bruised. I force myself to finish things I started before all this happened. Even if it means tossing out the old versions and starting over from scratch. If I am to honest and express myself truly that’s what I have to do. I am no longer the same girl waving that middle finger so carelessly in the air. I am far more appreciative, of this minute, the next and the every minute that adds up into a day and every bit of life I get to enjoy in those minutes. I am like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

You see, I went from being an independent woman, fearless, traveling solo and taking life by the horns while accepting everything it dealt me in stride. Sure I still got annoyed when others would flip spontaneity off or wave it carelessly in my face. But for me, I was doing pretty good. I had accepted Mr. Corn-nut and had found a way to appreciate little moments of adventure. Now I am far from that, I’m a grown woman, widowed before the age of 40, living with her parents with all my belongings, personal effects and life locked up in storage. My life has never felt more static than it does in this moment.

As I spiraled out of control, losing my grasp on that tether which kept me anchored I gave up. I gave up on my dreams, gave up on finding a way around the loss of spontaneity. I simply didn’t care. I began to hate my day job, I even tried to get fired but dammit, they just won’t let me go! I tossed all my travel plans in the trash. Tossed everything I wrote following Tigers death. Where would I begin even if I wanted too? Life loss any purpose it once had.

So I did nothing for myself. I went into robot mode and dealt with lawyers and Estate headaches. Each day waking up and reminding myself to just get through the next minute. I became insecure, depressed, unmotivated and lost any creativity I once had. I wanted to just be isolated and left alone and I couldn’t even do that. I no longer had that peaceful view from my bedroom balcony to the river below. I am always surrounded and always engaged. I feared there is no way I will ever get back to where I was.

I can’t have static going on, how many days have I wasted already?

I never expected to learn a life lesson like this. I would gladly return this lesson in exchange for a million Mr. Corn-nuts. But life is not fair, life can be brutally cruel. No good comes from stomping our feet and throwing a tantrum. So take a deep breath, inhale and exhale and repeat. Be thankful for everything you get to do. Even if you have to do it with Mr. Corn-nut by your side. Stop giving life and the beautiful gift of spontaneity the bird. Be grateful you are able to be spontaneous. You may lose your way at times and it’s okay to get lost. Always remember who you are inside, never fake it to suit someone else. If you stay true to yourself, you will find your way back. Most important allow yourself to laugh, it’s okay to feel happy again. I still remember when I laughed for real for the first time after Tiger died. It took nearly two months and my friend dragging me and my dog up the canyon for a hike. Nature has a way of healing all that comes in contact with it. She helped heal me, she helped me laugh again. Don’t give up on your dreams, instead make them as big as possible and chase them as fast as you can.

It may require help from others to catch those dreams. I had to bite the bullet and hire help. I was unable to find the motivation within myself. I felt defeated at first when I hired professionals. I should be able to do this on my own. Normally I could but I accepted reality, life kicked me down a few levels. As much as I wanted to be the strong independent woman I was before I had to accept the fact that I was broken and in need of repair. This ended up being a very helpful resource for me. It has allowed me to lighten the load I am carrying but it also keeps me on track. I have to answer to these good people I paid my hard-earned money to. I can’t hide under the covers and shut the world out. By hiring professionals to help with the things I wanted and needed to accomplish it made me put one foot in front of the other.

Remember it’s okay to ask for help.

I am not forgetting what I experienced, and I will never forget Tiger. I am adjusting to this new chapter in life. Slowly molding around that massive crooked road block it dropped right on top of me. All while Mr. Corn-nut molds to fit it as well. I haven’t accepted this new life yet, not completely. Who’s to say I’m required too? Nobody, that’s who. “Fuck you life!” There are no rules when it comes to healing your soul. It’s in the most painful moments we are able to see ourselves in a clearer light.

Now when I look at Mr. Corn-nut I realize he isn’t so bad-looking after all. He has finally wiped that white crud from the corners of his mouth. He is also a lot smaller than I first remember him being. Mr. Corn-nut is a piece of cake! Mr. Corn-nut has finally become my bitch! Out of everything this was the least I expected and the last thing I would ask for but I will take it! Who said Mr. Corn-nut had good timing anyways?

What have I learned so far in life? I know our time is very limited. What we get to do with our time here is up to us. I took that for granted. I used to get home and have peace and quiet, I wouldn’t have to speak to anyone if I didn’t feel like it, I could just write or play my guitar and I miss that. Now this small amount of time no longer exists. I have to make time for myself. Sometimes that means I have to say no. It’s just fine to say no, you aren’t healing anyone else heart so do whatever feels right to you.

I am grateful for my parents and the support they have shown me. Thankful they were willing to let me and my dog stay with them while we figure this all out. So what if it means chores and repeating the same conversations over and over. In light of what really matters these are small things. I see that in my loss I have gained time I wouldn’t normally of had with my parents. I try my hardest to see a positive in everything, even the shitty parts. A friend told me “Life will repay you for your loss, life will be rand again.” For some reason those words stuck in my head and I’ve held onto them like a prayer.

I ask myself every day what I can take away from all of this ass kicking from life. The best I have come up with is to be grateful. Appreciate your freedom, respect your ability to be spontaneous and live life however you want because it can end in a blink of an eye. Take that dream vacation, quit that job you hate, tell the people in your life you love them and remember it’s okay to say I’m sorry.

Just remember all these things are not a given. They are luxuries that are often taken for granted. So instead of giving spontaneity the bird by ignoring how great of a gift it truly is and ignoring how easily it can be taken away. Appreciate them, thank them and count yourself lucky if you still have all these luxuries in tact.

What will I do now? Strive to live my life to its fullest. I no longer care what others may think or say about me. I will be myself always because I know myself and she is a pretty good person.

Don’t give spontaneity the bird, you only piss it off and piss people like me off who don’t have that luxury. Instead say thank you, be humble, wipe your tears, dust off your knees and raise your middle finger high in the air and remember how great it feels to show life who is in charge, because despite its efforts you are doing just fine!