When you hear someone mention vegans followed by the word van, then the word hummus you can’t stop picturing a Volkswagen bus with dead stickers and a few skinny long haired boys that are all a bit too dirty. Throw that stereotype out the split window VW bus, it is a new era!

These vegans are driving a top of the line Mercedes Sprinter van. Equipped with a living room, queen size Tempurpedic bed and a mini kitchen. In the back, there is a storage room where all the outreach product for our cause is kept. I’m the only one with long hair, which is currently a lovely lavender color and  I’m also not “too skinny!”

Compared to my younger years, when I didn’t shave my legs and was trying to master dreadlocks. The current journey is void of any drugs onboard. No mind altering substances that take you from this tiny planet and shoot you through the universe expanding your mind until it nearly explodes! Nope, none of that chaos! We were just plain old law abiding citizens. Well, to be correct there were two law abiding straight edger’s and yours truly. (I may have broken a few laws here and there)

This road trip was not about expanding our minds in that sense but expanding the public’s mindset on animal cruelty.  However, if there happened to be any mind altering substances I probably wouldn’t have been bothered as much by the straight edge vegans eating hummus in the van across the vast landscape which is America.

So now that I gave you a little too much info about my possible criminal history, let’s get back on topic. Why vegans, hummus, and vans are great but together they suck!

I know there are a lot of people who can’t grasp the concept or reasoning why others would choose to live solely on a plant-based diet. That alone creates a lot of debate, where one side tends to have the correct facts….(the vegans!)  Then add the righteous act of volunteering their free time for animal rights. For myself, I find people like this to be stellar examples of a good human Of course there are countless ways to be a good human, this one just touches my heart deeper than the rest.

Could you do this? Is veganism an idea that ever crossed your mind? Or are you anti-veganism? Please share your thoughts and feelings on this. I’m genuinely interested in my readers point of view. How about giving up the comforts of home for van-life to travel the continent to educate, advocate and volunteer all for the sake of saving animals?

If there is a god, an almighty, or some form of super power that drives us then this is a good way to get on the good side of this idealism of an all mighty.

Let me explain, first you should know I’m the sarcastic fearless leader in my crazy life. I have no shame when it comes to sharing embarrassing stories about myself or even worse, my opinions! Second, I was not kidding about vegans and the higher being thing. The reason being, is that someone who has become vegan is aware of a greater good, a greater purpose and an undefinable compassion for all sentient beings.

Recognizing the devastating impact which the big bad animal agriculture industry is responsible for is gut wrenching. I can’t bare to hear someone simply tell a story about an animal suffering let alone witness it first hand. This made me make some changes in my life.

Honestly it’s nearly impossible to live 100% ethically. Especially if you love to travel. Unless and you travel across the world by foot alone. I am aware that almost every form of transportation I use to travel has an impact on our environment. So does this make me a hypocrite? No it doesn’t, the reason why is because I reduce where I can, and that is all I ask others to try and do.  For me, a plant based diet was the obvious choice.

When questioned why I don’t eat animals, I say my heart overcomes my appetite!

So picture this, three humans in a van driving through the night after spending an entire Saturday at a Warped Tour concert in 100 degree temperatures in the month of July. We started at 7 am and worked sharing leaflets, information on ways to stop animal cruelty with people interested in veganism and animal rights. We worked each day for at least 12 hours straight, no breaks except a quick trip to a porta-potty and no vegan food to be had! Well, except hummus.

I need to backtrack and take you back to the van. I forgot to mention in this fancy home on wheels was a section called “hot lava.” It was very important that all clothing was removed before entering the hot lava room of the van. The host/van owner had rules. So many goddamn rules. Since we all shared a bed, we had to shower every night no matter if it was dumping what was left of our melted ice in our cooler over our heads and calling it a shower. Often our only shower was a spicket and a smelly rubber garden hose in dusty parking lot filled with litter.  This day was a smelly garden hose day.

As I stood in my swimsuit, shivering from the ice cold putrid water. My lips turning a faint purple hue. I held that hose gingerly over my quivering body. Trying to get wet without really getting wet. (Talk about a lost cause.) With the sun setting fast in the western sky I moved slightly to keep my body in direct sunlight seeking any touch of warmth before the sun slid completely into the mountains for the night.  Upon this subtle change in position, I noticed a group of men watching me with amusement as they approached. “Thanks fellas” I muttered through shivering breaths.

“How bad is it?” one guy asked. I replied, “about as bad as the music here today.” (I wasn’t a fan of the line up that year.) He chuckled and introduced himself. I soon realized I just told the band Gwar that they basically suck! (Steph one, Gwar zero!)

Despite my insult he asked if he could shower after me. I asked “where is your fancy tour bus with the hot water and shower inside? I’ll let you use my shower (holding up the brittle green garden hose) if you let me use yours? That bastard never answered, shutting down my request to trade showers.

I happily gave him the hose, and said “see it’s about as good as the concerts line up.” Then I performed an awkward hopscotch maneuver while I attempted limiting the number of steps my feet made as I crossed the dirty parking lot to reach the van.

It made no difference if I skipped, hovered or teleported to the van. I was dirtier after hosing my body down with smelly water than I was from a day sweating in the hot summer weather.

I soon learned these required showers were just self inflicting episode’s of me freezing my ass off  in a public parking lot followed by an agility test.

Like a cat scaling a tree for safety, I jumped into the hot lava zone of the van. I must have taken longer than accepted because almost immediately my host hit the gas and onward we went, bumping and rocking through the fairground parking lots and side streets of Salt lake City, Utah.

While attempting to stay upright in this small space of hot lava, I towel dried myself with a washcloth. Standing naked with the windshield and thousands of concert goers within eyeshot as they exited the venue. Knowing anyone could see if they looked inside I thought…fuck it! I mouthed your welcome to a guy who was obviously aware of my naked stance in a van rocking side to side.

I had to give up on complicated items, you know like a bra and underwear.

Once semi dried and semi dressed (no time or space to get a bra or underwear on) I got the command that it was my turn to drive. Wait, what? We’ve been on the road for a grand total of 20 minutes? The justification for this command was I volunteered to tour with them for just a few weeks of their 12 week tour. So lucky me, I get to do most of the driving! Good hell this is going to be a long night.

As I drove through the darkness hypnotized by the lines in the road, my mind rapidly scanning every detail and bit of hospitality I had given these folks the days prior to our tour. I felt anger and annoyance sneak into my body. Lighting my nerves up with an uncomfortable electric shock of energy. Making me hypersensitive to everything within the walls of this van. Especially the things that are personal pet peeves. This is never good. It only made me angry and really there was no reason for me to be angry. But I was, and this is why…

I hosted these kind people at my place the three days prior.  I was given no notice that they were going to crash my pad. I juggled my work life and personal life over the next 3 days catering to them. Spoiling them actually. I had high hopes which was my first mistake. I had only talked to them through email and telephone before this point. My above and beyond hospitality left little time for sleep the nights before we left on tour.

Meanwhile back in the van in the middle of nowhere, deep in rapid thoughts of ammunition it began…

The host pulled out a jar of hummus and soggy pita bread that was saturated with the melting ice in our cooler. He held a limp pita in one hand and hummus in the other and began his descent on the hummus in the jar in a small enclosure with all the windows up.

He suffers from intense allergies so his nasal cavity is congested 365 days out of the year. With the allergies on fire the hummus mingle to a slow simmer with phlegm in his throat. I crack the window seeking some relief, immediately I’m told to roll up the window. Apparently it kicks up his allergies. Jesus, I will end up going against all I stand for and murder this man right here right now, then it gets worse. The second addition to our trio starts eating the hummus too. Thankfully she is allergy free but makes up for it with a blue ribbon worthy talent of lip smacking!

Now I have two, open-mouthed, lip-smacking eaters double dipping their limp pita bread in the same jar of hummus. The worst part is I am only 27 miles into a 900 mile journey tonight. I repeat silently to myself, “you are doing this for the animals, you are doing this for the animals”

Oh Dog help me!

There is a tolerance line for everyone, that imaginary but so very definite line. Once crossed is sends every pet peeve off. There is no snooze option, just a chronic annoying alarm. For me, this line occurred while traveling with fellow animal activists touring the Vans Warped Tour  somewhere between Utah and Colorado.

I have to state for the record who these people really are. They’re not just noisy eaters with insane allergies. So insane it’s obvious Mother Nature is clearly trying to thin the herd. They are good people. They are cool people and what this group stands for is great, even fantastic but unfortunately, they are terrible at traveling the van life way.

A lot of us have thought about the romantic lifestyle of a life on the road and at times envy travelers who live in their vehicles fulltime. As a part timer of this life, I appreciate the simplicity of this journey and give mad props to those who do it full time with another human onboard.

There’s is something beautiful about hitting the open road, knowing your van has all you need in it. A bed, food, kitchen and if you are like me even some fairy lights! What doesn’t work is hot lava mixed with an unusual level of control. Topped with some pretty intense anxiety and severe if not deadly allergies!

I think that is why the van owner didn’t really like living in his decked out van. He took all the fun out of it with so many rules. It counteracted against the entire purpose of van-life. Living free, living spontaneous and easy going.

Instead, I was stuck in a van with the scent of hummus and human bodies thick in the closed window cavity. Through four states I drove in these conditions at a speed of 45 mph, never more. That was one of the many rules. At a point I had to sleep, after dozing off on the road one too many times I pulled over in a town under a tree and took a short nap. I woke abruptly to an angry man trying to curse at me between sneezing and blowing his nose.

How dare I?

You lost me dude, how dare I what? “Park under a tree! The roof of the van brushed the leaves making my allergies worse!”

You have got to be kidding me?

Okay, this is officially where I checked out. No more rules, no more demands. You want to boss me around and blame me for any other natural causes?  Go ahead, I dare you!

I won’t be bothered one bit. Once I decide to not give a fuck about something it’s pretty easy to just let things go. I was too worried about pleasing this group in the beginning then a few miles in I realized they are just normal people with a good cause and a bad van “life.”

I completed my tour, but on very different terms. I tossed the hummus! (oops sorry) I took breaks when I wanted. I stopped driving when I felt like it and I made sure I rubbed the sides of that van on as many leafy bushes and trees as possible!

That decision to tweak the rules made the remaining tour very enjoyable. Instead of being irritated over pet peeves like noisy eating or nasal passage blockages, I laughed at it. Thoroughly enjoying myself and my little secret triumphs of passive aggressive revenge.

If you are considering van-life be prepared for anything. Not just homicidal people but the nice guys with bad allergies. When you are cooped up in a 180 inch wheel base, little things can become big things if you let them.

It takes a very relaxed, easy going person to successfully manage van-life in a pleasurable way. For me, that way is solo with only my kick ass dog Enzo as a copilot!

Full-timer’s, what have you learned to tolerate or eliminate for better van-life’s?

Thanks for coming along the journey!

~Steph